Stealing a loaf of bread may seem like a good idea, but it will literally fuck up your entire life.
If you get laid, you die. If you don't get laid, you die. Also don't trust your parents.
It's ok to murder people as long as you wear lingerie and can sing and dance.
The King and I:
Racism doesn't count if you sing about it.
My Fair Lady:
People will like you if you talk like you have a broom stick up your ass.
In the 60s, people will hate you if you're overweight, UNLESS you also hang out with black people.
A Chorus Line:
If you ever audition for a musical chorus, you better have a goddamn good story as to why you became a dancer.
If your boyfriend doesn't like you, change absolutely everything about yourself to please him.
The Phantom of the Opera:
When choosing between a controlling boyfriend and a sociopath composer with a messed up face who dwells in an opera house's basement, take your sweet damn time.
Rocky Horror Picture Show:
Finding refuge from a storm in a mansion who's owner is a transvestite will make you inexplicably horny, and seemingly bisexual.
Love Never Dies:
Let the crazy woman run off with your son. You may never see him again but you'll get to be with your deformed lover and at least you won't die.
If your born green and people make fun of you for it, fake your own death and run away with a scarecrow.